Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
