It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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