You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you didnt know i had herpes?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
