As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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