Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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