I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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