I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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