I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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