Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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