So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
