it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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