he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
