I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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