Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
