Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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