Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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