I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
