Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize