I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
