My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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