Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
