i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize