Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
