What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
