So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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