You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
