Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
