Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
