If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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