yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
