just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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