I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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