just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
