I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I deserve this hangover.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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