I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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