i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
