I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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