I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
