My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Never let your siblings swipe right.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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