I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
