I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
