So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
