I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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