There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
