OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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