Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
