just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
