I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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