somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
