Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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