I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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