mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I still have a little drunk in my system
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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