I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
