Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
