i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize