none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
