; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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