My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
