now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
what day is it and did you see me today?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
